:P

First post in awhile. I didn't mean to go so long without posting, but the past week has been pretty much a total mess. Well, disorganized, anyway. Very. And things have yet again changed, but really, things never really do change. My life is just a constant cycle of the same things happening over and over again.

But guess what? Within a year, I'm going to break that cycle! I know a year sounds like a long time, but it's 6 months for sure, and then however many months we have before L...well, before he does the thing that's going to last for 6 months. We're not sure how long it'll be before that, but I'm guessing anywhere from 1 to 3 months from now. Maybe 4. So it'll be less than a year--that's all I know for sure. Probably around 9 or 10 months. Then we are OUT of Maine!

Not only have things been changing a lot, but I've also been sick this past week with something--I'm not sure what. All I know is I started off feeling really rundown, and then I started to feel sick off and on and lost my appetite (which may just be because of what happened while I was staying with my cousin...). I also had high anxiety for 3 or 4 days, and I know why, but thankfully that's gone now. And then, once everything wore off except for feeling rundown, I developed an ear infection (I think) and a migraine that comes off and on. This has lasted for a few days now, but today has been the first day I haven't really gotten it, so I think that's just about gone, too.

These all may have been caused by me actually being sick, or they may have been reactions to the huge changes I've experienced suddenly. What are those changes, you ask? Well, first, I stayed with my cousin and her boyfriend last weekend for the first time after not seeing her for a long time. It was pretty decent, I guess. Except all she wanted to do was talk badly about L, and well, I had no choice but to agree with everything she said, even though in reality I disagree. See, if she knew I still care about him, I don't think she'd be as pleasant with me as she is.

And the other huge change (which isn't really a change at all, considering I knew it was going to happen) is that L is back in my life. But did he ever really leave? No... it was just odd how we started talking again, and odd how I just knew exactly how he still felt, and odd how nothing's really changed now... it's the same as it normally is with us--the same way with each other, which is a good thing.

I can't wait to go snowsledding with him again, hopefully within a few days, when my dad leaves and when L gets some gas money, which he should have by the time Dad's left.

I also have to tell Dad that not only am I talking to L again, but I'm also going to be seeing him again. He'll let me, but I'm sure he won't like it. He never liked L and I'm not sure how he's going to act now. But I do know my father is an obnoxious jerk, more often than not. Oh well, I'm not 8 years old anymore and you know what, he should be proud of me for NOT getting into drugs like everyone else around here! And for doing so well already... he can't complain. And he wouldn't tell me no anyway, not after everything L and I have been through together. He'll let me... I just don't want to hear it from him anymore, honestly. But he'll get over it, just like he did last time. Again, he's got to realize I'm almost an adult now and I would do it anyway. Authority doesn't have a problem with it, so I'm good.

Well I'm developing another headache... crap. So I'm going to end this here. Let's see what goes on in the next few days, shall we? And let's see if my blog posts itself this time! Ha.

Why?

I've been thinking a lot lately about the subject I like to call fake-ism, so I figured I'd write it down and post it on here. Just so you know, this REALLY bugs me.

Why do people have to try to be like everyone else? What ever happened to originality? To being yourself? To not caring what other people think? Why do you even JUDGE other people's styles/hobbies/whatever?

I notice in my area, I don't know if it's everywhere else or not (okay, yeah right, of course it's everywhere else, it's faking--excuse me, TAKING--over the world), that everyone's extremely self-conscious, everyone tries to look better than the other person...all designer clothes, makeup, oh yeah, and it's not just looks either, you HAVE to be a cheerleader or on the basketball team or in chorus. But do NOT be in art or band class, 'cause sorry but that's just weird. Sigh...

See, look at me. I'm pretty (and I don't have a huge ego, I'm just going by what my family and friends have said), but I don't wear much makeup and I don't honestly have the money to go out and buy a $50 pair of jeans, so am I popular? No, for the most part I get ignored. I probably would be popular if I DID waste all my money on clothes and makeup that isn't even worth it, but I'm not and I don't plan to start! If you don't like me because of that, well, do I look like I care? Not a bit.

I am just so sick of seeing people like that...a lot of it is based on tv, magazines and movies, of course. Especially magazines (look at HER! And look at that $1,500 designer bag she's got!). But...why do you let it drag you in?

Don't you want to be able to do what you know in your heart you really like to do?

Just because he's skinny and has glasses, how do you know he wouldn't turn out to be an awesome friend, and I bet you'd have a lot in common if you'd just give it a chance!

Yeah, she sits in the corner alone with her earphones in and constantly has her head down, writing in her notebook, but that doesn't mean she's emo and how do you know she wouldn't want to talk to you? I bet she's really nice if other people would give her the time of day!

I notice that the best of friends tend to be "outcasts" by the standards of the popular crew. But who would you rather have as your friend--someone who's caring and loyal and shares your interests, or someone who's shallow and close-minded and would ditch you in a heartbeat for someone who's more popular?

As for myself... I think I'm going to do what I LIKE to do, dress how I LIKE to dress, be in which classes I WANT to be in, and remain who I am. No one is going to make me think otherwise! Because, to be honest with you, I like who I am!

Fake

The terrors of battle are far too severe
There can be no hope of surviving it here

When darkness erodes all the sounds of the soul
You'll lose every aspect and sense of control

Where are you hiding, you've been gone for ages
I don't recognize the face on those pages...

Is this a night to remember?

night

darkness, a black cat wrapped around a dreamer
who dreams purple dusk into the bed of a stranger
as she restlessly shifts position, unsettled
black velvet draperies conceal motion
the swift whoosh and creak of opening shutters
letting in a breeze to disperse spectral vapours
i can taste the wind; this night has a flavor
like licorice whips, dark red wine and surrender
purring like a cat in a diamond/onyx collar

with thanks to defunkitated vampires for inspiration.

New Story Started!

I didn't sleep so well last night...I'm super stressed out right now. So, I stayed up starting a new story instead. I really like how it's going so far and I think considering how tired I was last night, I started it off pretty well. I have no idea what direction it's going to take--this one's kind of got a mind of its own. I guess they all do, but this time it's more than usual. And I'm surprised I was able to start it off so easily...when I see blank pages, they normally freak me out. Is that weird?

I am completely exhausted today. I think I'm going to try extremely hard to fall asleep early tonight. But I'm not sure I'll be able to. The more I stress about this, the more wacked out my body gets. I don't have an appetite, I can't sleep well, and I get headaches often. If I didn't have writing to take me away from this once in awhile I would definitely be insane by now.

So, you probably want to know what's stressing me out so bad. Okay. My ex-boyfriend needed money badly for something and I happened to have some saved from my last job. So I lent some of it to him, and he's supposed to be able to start working in April or May. At that time he's going to contact me about my money, and I know he will, when he can...what I'm worried about is, he might not be able to give it back to me in time...and if not I am in deep trouble. I have about 7 months before I can say that, though...so why am I stressing so much? Well, because I have no way of knowing what's going on, and I have no way to contact him, I don't see him...I'm not worrying about HIM. But I'd like to know everything's still going as planned and I'll get my money when I'm supposed to! I know, I know. I shouldn't have been stupid enough to lend my money out. Lesson learned!!

My dreams reflect how stressed out I am. I think my mind is against me because whenever I'm stressed, I have nightmares. As if I need anymore stress; I get enough of that during the day! Thanks a lot, mind, I'm glad you care about me so much.

Well crap. This was supposed to be a more cheerful post. Sorry! Later on today I'll post the poem I wrote last night... You'll like that!

Wine

Sometimes, I'm pretty sure I'm going to be a drinker.
When I see an old memory of you
Hear the old words whispered between us
Feel the old caresses of love shared
I blink.
The tears form in my eyes
And I take a drink
Of cranberry juice
Yet I pretend it's wine.
The thought hides in my mind
And my day goes on.

I really don't have a comment for this one. It's...true. Only, I'm fine again...just like the song. Maybe I'll try to think up something more CHEERFUL to post next time? (:

The Profile on the Pillow

After our fierce loving
in the brief time we found to be together,
you lay in the half light
exhausted, rich,
with your face turned sideways on the pillow,
and I traced the exquisite
line of your profile, dark against the white,
delicate and lovely as a child's.

Perhaps
you will cease to love me,
or we may be consumed in the holocaust,
but I keep, against the ice and the fire,
the memory of your profile on the pillow.

-Dudley Randall

Too Bad

Staring at the wall.
More than can be said of you.
You just lost it all.
Now what are you gonna do?
You had let me fall.
Why should I ever help you?
I lived through it all.
And I don't care what you do!

HAHAHA I thought that was a cute little thing I just thought up. Made me feel good. Sorry. . . I'm not normally a cruel person, and would never hurt anyone unless they were my arch enemy or unless they really, really hurt me. . .